I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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