It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
