return my video game
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
