Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
