you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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