I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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