Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
