I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize