you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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