Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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