i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
