How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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