I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
