Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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