I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
