clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
