I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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