the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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