textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
