You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
