the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize