Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
