the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
