No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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