I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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