He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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