Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
