Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
