So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Green mimosas i think yes
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
