I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
