i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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