Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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