I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
