Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
