i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
