I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
