My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
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