Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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