Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
