If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
