what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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