So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
