I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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