what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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