my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize