I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
