I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
