Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
