apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
