We named our party play list daddy issues
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
