Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
