How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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