i will never coherently bang her
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
