dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize