My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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