I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
