do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
