you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
