that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I have demons in me.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I met the friendliest cop last night
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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