The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I think i got beer on your cat.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
