She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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