Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize