I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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