Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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