I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize