Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
