I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
