It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
