oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
